Visitation

Visitation
Artist: Jim Janknegt

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Recalibration

I've been having a lot of realizations recently. Maybe its all the time I've been spending on my own after the children are asleep, but lately the lightbulb has proverbially been going on in some areas of my life that have made the daily grind a bit less abrasive.

Mostly the realization that my expectations greatly influence the outcome of any given day or situation have come off the page and become real to me in the past weeks. I keep recalling a study we looked at in my interpersonal relationships course at UT. The study, called the PAIR project, conducted by my professor, Ted Huston, followed newlyweds in a longitudinal study, and among other things, rated their satisfaction at various times throughout their marriage. One finding I remember from the study was that a person's satisfaction in their marriage corresponded more to their own expectations of what their marriage was going to be like than anything else about their relationship. That struck me then, as an engaged senior in college, with little else on the brain but getting married and having a great marriage. I gleaned from these courses some tidbits to help me be a good wife, and shared them with my fiance here and there as hints for being a good husband.

But this one tidbit has come to mind a lot these days. And has not only applied to my marriage, but also to my long days parenting. I get most frustrated when the things I want to happen in a day don't, and I get frustrated with the children because they are making these certain things not happen. I want to get down my to-do list and get on with it, and I expect them to sit together peacefully playing so that I can. But I realized that they just won't sit down peacefully and play together, and it is unfair to them to have that expectation. It's unfair because when my expectations are not met, they feel the brunt of it. Plus I put my needs over theirs, which very rarely ends in anything positive.

So it has been a process the last couple of weeks, finding balance in my expectations for the days. I can expect that the baby will take a nap at some point, and my toddler and I will have our special time for a little while. Once her attention "cup" is filled, she's ok with me doing my thing for bit. My thing being housework. Sometimes she even helps me out with the dusting. I can expect not to cross everything off my list, and that sometimes I just need to get down on the floor and have some fun.

And though, for me, it is a sacrifice not getting to everything I need to, I've found this amazing sense of freedom and balance and joy in it the past few weeks. A couple of days have thrown curve balls and it's taken a lot to recalibrate my expectations. But through prayer but not always with thanksgiving I make my requests known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding has guarded my heart and mind in Christ Jesus. I've been putting a lot of pink flowers on the owie crown lately. Pink for the joyful sacrifices.
One week til Holy Week

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The least of these

I shouldn't drink coffee in the evening. I don't usually. Yesterday, though, I felt so tired I thought it wouldn't even make a difference. Half past midnight and I was still awake when baby boy woke for his first night feeding. I was still awake when John got home around one. At some point I did pass out, just to re-awaken at three for the second feeding. Then at six again when John startled me awake to kiss my goodbye for the day. Then at 7:30, when I finally heard the shrill, "I sleeping to-ever!" from next door.

I got up. I pulled on some non-pj pants, threw on a sweater, tied up my hair, looked at the picture of the Blessed Mother holding Jesus and took a deep breath. The verse from Matthew popped into my head--

"Whatever you did for one of the least of these...you did for me." Matthew 25:40

So I played that line over and over in my head today. And regarding the obviously disastrous day I wrote about yesterday, I'd say it was the food my soul needed to be sustained through today. I found joy in imagining that the difficulties my children had today were the difficulties Christ may have had as an infant. How would Mary have responded Jesus? How does Jesus now regard the way I'm responding to my children. Do my children feel loved, respected, cared for? It made me constantly think of the best way to love instead of constantly doing damage control.

And though the day was similar to yesterday in the naplessness, the clutter, the whining and deliberate head-bangs and hits, there was somehow joy in it all. Not to say I did it right all the time. But there was a definite difference. And the children seemed happy going to bed. Which they did very, very early tonight.

I pray I can find that spiritual sustenance tomorrow and always. I pray it becomes the norm. Having one child taught me some selflessness. Having two is teaching me more about what self-giving love really is.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Patience is a...

Lot of work.

It's been a while since I've been able to post. Or rather, it has been a while since I've been inspired to write anything. I spent last week lounging with the kiddos at my mom's house while John was working long hours on an upcoming deadline. I had had thoughts to write down, but I couldn't heave myself off the comfy leather couch planted squarely in front of a television (something our house does not have) with all it's flickering lights and captivating sounds.

We're home now. The kids are finally in bed. Today was another tough day. I've been praying for patience lately, because even on the best of days I tend to loose said virtue toward the end of the day. I just want things to move along. After dinner it's clean up, bath, books, prayer, bed. Nothing else. No dawdling, nothing. Why don't you get it little two-year-old? I have to remember I'm not a drill sergeant and she's not a recruit. But at the end of the day, when I'm on my own still with the two kids, and I just need to get to everything that's been piling up around me all day (or to that tv show on hulu I've been waiting all day for), it's hard to stay patient.

So, I've been praying for patience. The only way to learn it, though, is through experience. The experiences often get more and more trying the more patience you need. So far, it's always been with the toddler that I've needed to learn patience. Now the little guy is throwing his best. We all have colds, which doesn't help. It's raining, which I'm sure doesn't help. The little guy just won't sleep. He took no naps today. None. Nada. Eight month olds are supposed to nap twice, get 14 hours of sleep. My little guy, didn't fall asleep until two minutes after I started writing this. No, wait, he did fall asleep. As we were pulling into our driveway. For two minutes.

This may not seem all that stressful. But when you've got a baby whom you know is fed, who has no fever, who has had his nose cleaned, medicine administered, and diaper changed, but who still won't fall asleep, something happens to your sanity. And when in the midst of all this you're trying to care for a sick toddler, a messy house, and sick self, there's no chance. But like I said, I've been praying for patience. And I can say today could have gone worse, so hopefully I'm learning something.

It's easy to remember while the house is quiet and I'm typing all these thoughts out, that I just need to breathe, and pray, and remember all this is temporary. But in the thick of it, it's not so easy. Perhaps it's time to really set up interiorly the things that matter, to really engrain where the priorities in life lie. First of all, that the things of this world pass away. That my job is to love God and then love the people He's created. My family are those people. My kids are those people. And how much more should I love them since I helped to create them. So I'll keep praying for help, for patience. And I'll keep centering on what's important. To love.